Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts