[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
You Might Also Like
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN