The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Only Americans understand