Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked