One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.