My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
This guy’s not having it 😆
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?