It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
somewhere, in an alternate universe
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Simple
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I found your tweet-up…