Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.