Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Only Americans understand
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.