me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book