Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Sorry. Not sorry
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Grandmother clock.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer