“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Happy weekend !
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.