I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”