fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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SPLOOT
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.