If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly