Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour