I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
That’s no pocket rocket.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
WHO DID THIS?