[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
There’s never enough good news
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go