I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
You Might Also Like
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.