Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.