Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.