[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If snakes were wide
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.