I did not eat the cake…
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees