Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Sniffing the broccoli
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam