If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.