The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Milk Cube
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash