Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Guy who likes music
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.