Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Well, this is awkward
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.