I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
How it started How it’s going
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
You better watch out
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die