“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently