Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.