*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
respect
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way