The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Jesus Christ lmao
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
When life hands you women, make women laid.