Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?