Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]