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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.