Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My dog learned how to text
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Overindulged this afternoon.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF