I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.