Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat