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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing