Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
they should invent a hydrating liquor
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Lmfao
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk