*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Close call…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve