After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.