I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
beware of dog
Miscakes
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*pronounces patio like ratio
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers