My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,