me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.