What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit