If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun