Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Word!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.