what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You Might Also Like
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My work here is done
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Beware of the dog..
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?